Action Shot! Go Go Gadget BillPay!The picture is from last Friday, I think. The light was nice at the time, and, indeed, I was paying bills. What better time to be in a picture then while doing the once-a-month prestidigitation of The Disappearing Paycheck?
No real highs or lows this week. I've been in the steady drone of Nowhereland as of late, with apathy and the blues of a recovering relationship ender mingling with a bit of nostalgia and some large questions. I have found myself trying to see some old ghosts on the popular networking sites of today, and I have been finding them. My thought on it is is that it is currently a sort of coping mechanism as I continue to move into what is next, with the equation being that What Was helps Not Yet to pass by until I get to What's Next. A familiar cycle to nearly everyone, I would imagine, although I am not a fan of it. I would like to live in the moment, but much of the moment is spent in a sort of frustrating idle until more tangible hand and foot holds can be used to get to the next phase of things. That is to say, I'm not entirely happy with where I am at right at this moment. My life isn't as full of the things I really enjoy as I would like it to be, nor is it as full of people that I enjoy as I would like it to be, and work is far more draining and insipid than it is fulfilling and reinforcing.
I think Ivy put it best in reframing my last few relationship-related endeavors--also indirectly capturing much of the last few years of life in general--as times where I have done quite a bit of work without an adequate return. The problem, I think, lies in that in general I do not know what sort of compensation I should be earning. Having been journeying mostly alone for a while, I don't have too many mirrors or echo chambers to help me discover what I look and sound like to those around me, or what my worth is to a community around me. I'm a Tetris piece on the descent, still waiting to see where I fit. I know what I am worth to myself, what my general shape is, and where there is potential for me to reall fit well, but that's still all in theory. I seek practice. And hobbies. And community.
I oscillate from feeling like I've lost quite a bit this past year and have things to continue to mourn--which, to a rather true and certain degree, is correct--and thinking that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and keeping myself stuck in such a state--also true. Is it fair to keep thinking that I deserve better than a lot of what I am or have been getting? Is it unrealistic to hope that something outside of me will help me improve my life? That I could use some sort of minor deus ex machina to lift a little of this load? How much is it that is up to me? These are things I have continued to ask and somewhat answer as time goes along. What I have learned is greater responsibility for my own happiness, but also a better practice is gratitude and accepting what others may give. It's hard for me to receive at times; much easier today, but still a difficult idea at times. I'm a giver, I know this, but I can't always give. At least, not yet. Giving necessitates receiving necessitates giving...
Anyhow, enough ballyhoo. It's going to work itself out, despite my best and worst efforts. It always does.
--to see--
No real highs or lows this week. I've been in the steady drone of Nowhereland as of late, with apathy and the blues of a recovering relationship ender mingling with a bit of nostalgia and some large questions. I have found myself trying to see some old ghosts on the popular networking sites of today, and I have been finding them. My thought on it is is that it is currently a sort of coping mechanism as I continue to move into what is next, with the equation being that What Was helps Not Yet to pass by until I get to What's Next. A familiar cycle to nearly everyone, I would imagine, although I am not a fan of it. I would like to live in the moment, but much of the moment is spent in a sort of frustrating idle until more tangible hand and foot holds can be used to get to the next phase of things. That is to say, I'm not entirely happy with where I am at right at this moment. My life isn't as full of the things I really enjoy as I would like it to be, nor is it as full of people that I enjoy as I would like it to be, and work is far more draining and insipid than it is fulfilling and reinforcing.
I think Ivy put it best in reframing my last few relationship-related endeavors--also indirectly capturing much of the last few years of life in general--as times where I have done quite a bit of work without an adequate return. The problem, I think, lies in that in general I do not know what sort of compensation I should be earning. Having been journeying mostly alone for a while, I don't have too many mirrors or echo chambers to help me discover what I look and sound like to those around me, or what my worth is to a community around me. I'm a Tetris piece on the descent, still waiting to see where I fit. I know what I am worth to myself, what my general shape is, and where there is potential for me to reall fit well, but that's still all in theory. I seek practice. And hobbies. And community.
I oscillate from feeling like I've lost quite a bit this past year and have things to continue to mourn--which, to a rather true and certain degree, is correct--and thinking that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and keeping myself stuck in such a state--also true. Is it fair to keep thinking that I deserve better than a lot of what I am or have been getting? Is it unrealistic to hope that something outside of me will help me improve my life? That I could use some sort of minor deus ex machina to lift a little of this load? How much is it that is up to me? These are things I have continued to ask and somewhat answer as time goes along. What I have learned is greater responsibility for my own happiness, but also a better practice is gratitude and accepting what others may give. It's hard for me to receive at times; much easier today, but still a difficult idea at times. I'm a giver, I know this, but I can't always give. At least, not yet. Giving necessitates receiving necessitates giving...
Anyhow, enough ballyhoo. It's going to work itself out, despite my best and worst efforts. It always does.
--to see--
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