Chocolate Cake + Spinach Crepes + Pulled Pork = -itis squared

Actual Action Shots of Oliver vs. The Big Black Rubber Band

The big birthday weekend feast went very well. There is, in fact, no more leftovers as of this evening--that's 6-1/3 pounds of smoked pork shoulder, two full 9" x 13" Corningware pans of spinach crepes, one bunch of asparagus, a heaping of cole slaw, two pounds of curried shrimp, a whole jelly roll pan of artichoke parmesan rounds, and a chocolate cake. There are leftovers of things brought over--cupcakes, wine, beer, and aerosol cheese spread (bacon-flavored)--as well as the edible gift that is six pints of assorted Whitey's (thanks to my maniac roommate and some dry ice), so there are plenty of goodies still in existence and residence inside my fridge.

The weather definitely cooperated, allowing for one of those pinnacle moments where dinner is served and the whole group of us sat, relaxed, and visited on the front porch as the sun lowered itself into a state of perfect slanted orange light and early petals drifted down from the trees as a light breeze drifted past. As Charlie would say during dinners on the porch, where we watched the boats on the Mississippi drift by, "It doesn't get any better than this." I always agreed. I live for such moments, I have to admit; there's little more regularly satisfying than a meal with others, especially outdoors in good weather.

As for being 27, I'm rather glad to be so. If every year continues to bring growth, than I look forward to more birthdays to help mark the progress, like the creeping inches of a child's increasing height on a doorjamb.

Speaking of progress, I need to make some on my homework. I'm glad that school is almost over. Again. In fact, it can't come soon enough, nor can what follows it, whatever that may be.

--make your move--

Another Dispatch from the Land of Not Yet.

Action Shot! Go Go Gadget BillPay!

The picture is from last Friday, I think. The light was nice at the time, and, indeed, I was paying bills. What better time to be in a picture then while doing the once-a-month prestidigitation of The Disappearing Paycheck?

No real highs or lows this week. I've been in the steady drone of Nowhereland as of late, with apathy and the blues of a recovering relationship ender mingling with a bit of nostalgia and some large questions. I have found myself trying to see some old ghosts on the popular networking sites of today, and I have been finding them. My thought on it is is that it is currently a sort of coping mechanism as I continue to move into what is next, with the equation being that What Was helps Not Yet to pass by until I get to What's Next. A familiar cycle to nearly everyone, I would imagine, although I am not a fan of it. I would like to live in the moment, but much of the moment is spent in a sort of frustrating idle until more tangible hand and foot holds can be used to get to the next phase of things. That is to say, I'm not entirely happy with where I am at right at this moment. My life isn't as full of the things I really enjoy as I would like it to be, nor is it as full of people that I enjoy as I would like it to be, and work is far more draining and insipid than it is fulfilling and reinforcing.

I think Ivy put it best in reframing my last few relationship-related endeavors--also indirectly capturing much of the last few years of life in general--as times where I have done quite a bit of work without an adequate return. The problem, I think, lies in that in general I do not know what sort of compensation I should be earning. Having been journeying mostly alone for a while, I don't have too many mirrors or echo chambers to help me discover what I look and sound like to those around me, or what my worth is to a community around me. I'm a Tetris piece on the descent, still waiting to see where I fit. I know what I am worth to myself, what my general shape is, and where there is potential for me to reall fit well, but that's still all in theory. I seek practice. And hobbies. And community.

I oscillate from feeling like I've lost quite a bit this past year and have things to continue to mourn--which, to a rather true and certain degree, is correct--and thinking that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and keeping myself stuck in such a state--also true. Is it fair to keep thinking that I deserve better than a lot of what I am or have been getting? Is it unrealistic to hope that something outside of me will help me improve my life? That I could use some sort of minor deus ex machina to lift a little of this load? How much is it that is up to me? These are things I have continued to ask and somewhat answer as time goes along. What I have learned is greater responsibility for my own happiness, but also a better practice is gratitude and accepting what others may give. It's hard for me to receive at times; much easier today, but still a difficult idea at times. I'm a giver, I know this, but I can't always give. At least, not yet. Giving necessitates receiving necessitates giving...

Anyhow, enough ballyhoo. It's going to work itself out, despite my best and worst efforts. It always does.

--to see--

notes from a tired sort of day

Something sort of came upon me today, a mix of rememberances of things that have mattered to me and a recognition of having been through enough to have less of my old distractions. I framed it all through the fact that I'm nearly not 26 anymore, and so what was 26 like for me? There's been quite a bit of 'great' to it, but quite a bit of 'sad' to it, as well. For as much as I've gained this past living year in movement towards better, there has been a significant amount of letting go those things that previously pulled me through. I think this is appropriate in growth, however, as there must be room made for the new (although I must admit I'm feeling like my life is a bit too spacious at times; some of the non-progress portions of my year speak to this).

I spent my thinking time today sort of framing where I've been this past year through some of the music and playlists I've listened to. The music has changed quite a bit from this time last year, and while perhaps not for the happier, certainly for the wiser. I consider revisiting a song a success when I get more out of it (and this applies to books, movies, and otherwise), and I was able to see many of the perspectives I have gained this year through revisting music. I have aged, but more importantly, I think I have continued to grow.

I could say something like 'I'm not there yet' but there is no 'there' anymore. There is only the going and the commitment to it.

That said, I'm looking forward to 'next'. 'Next' will hopefully arrive with new ways to fill in the open spaces in my life, to places where this aim of growth will both contribute to and gain fuel from. I suppose that would be my birthday candle wish (but don't tell anyone), to enter the great unknown of 'next' and find blessings both sought and unexpected.

This was originally going to be all about music, but I think my mind is too tired for writing it out. One of those things better talked about after the sound can be shared. I'll say this, though: right now there's a cat on my arm, and part of my dinner was toastered frozen homemade waffles with thawed hood strawberry sauce. Not bad for a Thursday.

--lotte--

some quick bloobity-blabbity-blah

A messy floor and a cat that misses the NFL season.

- For more pictures from the March Asia trip, from both me and my classmates, head to the MIM Asia Trip 2007 Shutterfly page and check them out

- This whole life-change thing can be surprising. One day, I'm just thinking about what is next, dreaming of some minor position of no literal substance somewhere in Portland, and the next, I'm retooling my resume a little and wrestling with Monster.com and its ilk when, WHAM, a very appealing job drops into my inbox, and the whole landscape shifts into realistic focus. I ask myself "Hey, Ben, could you do that?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure could."

"Want to?"

"Yeah, 'spose I do."

"Would you move to Indiana for it?"

"Hmm. Intuition, what do you think?"

"The light is green!"

"Ah, looks like we're just Happy Texas over here, so I probably would."

"Okay, then! Go for it!"

From a tiny little e-mail has come the first salvo, the first little warm-up event for the job searching. I'm no longer thinking about it; I'm in it. Even should this not work out, it's that moment of jumping in the pool that begins a good day in the sun.

- I'm in NFL withdrawal, and like all of the experts out there, I'm eager to forecast how the next season will go based on no new data. So, here are my early-spring-pre-draft predictions for next season:

Item! The Green Bay Packers will stink and we'll be subjected to even more discussion about how long Brett Favre will remain in Green Bay, but this will all be forgotten when the ice age comes early to Green Bay during an outdoors winter practice session, allowing Favre to remain the active QB for Green Bay for the next three thousand years.


Item! Rex Grossman will throw for three hundred yards in a game but with a completion ratio of 5 of 72, with Devin Hester returning a kick off for a recorded 102 yards, even though he did three laps around the entire field and a couple of figure eights around both teams without being touched. Of course, this will be against the New York Giants who will have been distracted by Eli Manning, who will be crying beneath an overturned Gatorade bucket.

Item! Off the field run-ins with the law will leave only two original Cincinatti Bengals on the team by the year's end--the long snapper and a special teamer--though they will replace them with recent parolees just to keep the general milieu constant.

Item! LaDanian Tomlinson will wear a mic during a home game and it will be revealed that he makes the Six Million Dollar Man sound when he leaps over the pile to make it into the end zone.

Item! Peyton Manning will suffer a very ugly injury due to the Madden Curse and, harkening back to the Madden games of the 90's, an oversized ambulance will rush onto the field and promptly run over half of the Colts and a quarter of the Texans.

Item! Ricky Williams will retire, but only so that he can be the next NFLer to go on 'Dancing with the Stars', where he will be famous for his very spaced out version of slow dancing and his affinity for very, very flashy dresses.

Item! Tom Brady will go after the next big competitive sports milestone he can: the race for the most illegitimate children, and will have Shawn Kemp in his sights before the Pro Bowl.

- Time for bed. This weekend of Thai Curry, Uwajimaya, homemade Tonkatsu and waffles, and general relaxation is now over. Please make sure you have all of your belongings with you as you deplane. No spitting. Get back to work. Have a nice day!

--case of the mondays--

unnecessary blogging

'The funniest people I know are the Jewish and Native Americans, which I guess says something about the inherently humorous nature of genocide.'
--Sherman Alexie
As heard on NPR's
Talk of the Nation, 4:11:07

I'm not sure that's exact, but it's close, and it's the best little twist of words I've heard in a while. So much so that I ran right into work from my car to record it before it escaped my memory. It was in reference to the relationship of humor and pain, coming from a caller referencing Heinlein and 'Stranger in a Strange Land', where the Stranger wasn't able to laugh until given the gift of emotional hardship. Anyhow, it cracked me up.

I had something to say today, and planned to put it here, but it has escaped me. It was to be about being in a strange rut of routine living, with perhaps something hopeful in there as to what is coming. However, now that I've forgotten the specific words I wanted to use, I have to say that I've said enough about that, at least in the waxing poetic sort of way. It's going to be very scary and hard at times, I am thinking, to be hunting for jobs in the business world, especially at a level somewhat befitting a master's graduate. As excited as I am for 'then' I must realize the 'now' that I will soon be experiencing, and it's not always the easiest. Lack of surety has not always been my friend, so practicing umooring myself to my imagination and working as in the moment as I can will be helpful.

Some days I feel compelled to write in something like this before bed, likely in an effort to sort the head out a little. It works more often than not, but some nights I just run out of steam and actual things to say. In my younger days, I would IM into the late hours, looking for conversations to help process my racing thoughts and settle my mind into a state that was ready to utilize dreams to their fullest potential. Today there's this whole blog thing, and while it sometimes serves somewhat of the same purpose, it is not the same. I can talk to a box or write in a journal all I want, but too much just leaves me to run circles around in my thoughts, and that can drive me batty. That's really the story with work these days: too much running in circles, not enough miles traveled.

Soon enough.

--stray-ee-ange--

past + present

Just a few final shots from China, to begin:


Where? Shanghai. Why? Need to find lunch.


Baosteel ore loading dock.


And again. Note the red on the ground. That's iron ore.


Insert caption contest here.


I'm a tough @#%&$'n dock worker. In a tough @#%&$'n suit and tie.


Some views aren't so pretty (this is back in Shanghai proper)


Some Buddhist statues at the temple of the Jade Buddha. I like the beards.


This is Alison. She knows she can. You know you can, too. Go you.

And that's the pro-social message end of the pictures of Asia.

Enough on what's before, let's talk about today a little. Wait, let's? As in, there's suddenly a second voice blogging here?

Ah. Royal we.

Today the weather was completely lovely. In the morning, the air was full of oxygen, dew, and floral aromas from the trees and other growing lovelies, and that little spark of spring energy leapt through my synapses. It certainly matched my mood as of late, being one of hope and calm, knowing that I'm ready and able to tackle what all is ahead of me. Even items like catch up at work and some personal relationship confusions just slide right off my thinking mind's back.


I sat in a nearby park this evening to enjoy the weather and get some class reading done, and there's really nothing like a park on a nice evening to provide some tidbits of life to see and ponder. There was a little girl with her dog there, and the dog had this interesting two-wheel apparatus that was fastened around its waist in a way that its haunches were raised some and its hind legs were sort of kept up by a sort of anklet-sling, meaning that it propelled itself forward with its front paws and the wheels on the ground, not four legs. It was sort of sad to see at first, as any disabled or vulnerable being is, but seeing it run around chasing a tennis ball as if its hindered hind legs weren't a bother at all was warming. I can't really help but get a little mushy when I see such or similar things; there's always something about overcoming imperfections and finding joys that appeals to me. Certainly the little girl was having fun, though she made sure that the other frolicking dogs didn't get away with the tennis ball.

The other thing that stood out to me was how much I was wanting to be like those that I saw going to play tennis, or practicing catch and batting at the baseball diamond, or throwing the frisbee around. That's certainly something I hope to work into regularity someday, as I've certainly enjoyed the times when there was ultimate frisbee or flag football or such to play with people around Portland. This whole school/work thing is finding its end none too soon.

Outside of that, I've been having a number of days lately where I end up feeling rather well relaxed, and there's just nothing to me like getting some good sleep when I'm already relaxed. My dreams have been expansive and rich, though not without the usual dream anxieties that pop up every so often. I did have one last night where I believe I sort of bounced--jumped repeatedly forward in a tight crouch sort of position--all the way from the Burnside bridge to NE 122nd, near my old apartment. I love that stuff. Even on some of the good days I just can't wait to sleep, especially when I know it will come easy.

--four four--